Today we’re talking: Russell Wilson is a bad Tough Guy, Broken Toes, Unlucky Shark Attack

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Stories:

Russell Wilson
◦ NFL players usually get thrown into 3 categories – guys you’ve never heard of – guys that beat their wives – and pro bowlers…that beat their wives.
◦ However, there’s now a new category of “wholesome tough guy” and that where Russell Wilson lives
◦ Play audio
◦ Classic wholesome tough guy
◦ Let’s break this down
◦ He starts by saying everyone has to have an alter ego.
◦ This is simply not true.
◦ This is the logic of a sentient being who studied human culture based only Halloween and comic books
◦ He’s like nfl version Leeloo from the 5th element
◦ Next he chooses “mr unlimited” as his alter ego which is so sad it’s kind of uncomfortable really
◦ Mr Unlimited is a great choice if your nemesis is a cell plan
◦ Also, Mr Unlimited, is a great choice if your side kick is breadsticks
◦ Is that his super hot wife Ciara yelling random questions nobody in their right mind would ask in the background?
◦ Who brings you motivation Russell?
◦ Mr. Unlimited
◦ Who forced me to yell these questions Russell?
◦ Mr. Unlimited
◦ Who need to limit their access to the internet during quarantine Russell?
◦ Mr. Unlimited
◦ Russell Wilson wants us to make fun of him to use it as motivation
◦ Refuse to do it any longer
◦ Im Mr. LIMITED

Broken toes
◦ An Austrian tourist Broke the toes of a statue in Italy
◦ He’s in a museum posing with it and accidentally broke the toes off of the sculpture
◦ Because of Covid and contact tracing he had to leave his information when he went into the museum
◦ they used this information to contact him
◦ Then his wife sold him out and admitted he broke it
◦ First of all your wife throws you under the bus
◦ Boy if there was ever signed this was a loveless marriage
◦ Do you think of Russian wife would’ve admitted it?
◦ I think in Russian wedding vows when I asked you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband
◦ the first thing the Russian bride thinks is deny deny deny
◦ My wife is Venezuelan there’s no way she would’ve admitted this
◦ They’re not even from the same country. I would just Say no and then hang up
◦ Here’s the most important detail about the story
◦ It’s a plaster mold of the actual marble sculpture
◦ It’s not even the real sculpture it’s a replica
◦ Italians are thinking of pressing charges because he broke a fake replica of a sculpture?
◦ This is how you know Italy has gone over covid
◦ This is a total pre-pandemic problem
◦ Two weeks ago they’re worried about thousands of grandmas dying and now they’re stressing out about broken manikin toes?
◦ If I was this Austrian guy, I just wait it out. He didn’t know the weight of these sculptures toes.
◦ What I mean is the statue of limitations

Shark attack
◦ Florida man is attacked by shark
◦ Same Florida man was also attacked by alligator
◦ no one is that unlucky and lucky at the same time
◦ He Must be an elf- Legoless
◦ Jesus Christ that was a long walk to get that joke
◦ These jokes are getting worse
◦ I know I can’t stand them either
◦ now it’s become a running joke
◦ Oh my God I’m addicted it’s like I can’t kick it
◦ Honestly this knees to stop
◦ This is barely about legs anymore. I should cap this off