Star Wars fever is rampaging across the country with this week’s release of the official cast. Here’s the picture that is setting everyone into a tizzy.
In the image, we can see the film’s new actors: John Boyega, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Max von Sydow and Domhnall Gleeson. Rumors are already running rampant, which characters may finally be making their first onscreen appearances from the Extended Universe? Many are assuming the Skywalker and Solo family trees are to grow dramatically with this new film.
Personally, I believe J.J. Abrams has a few more tricks up his sleeves, and is going to introduce some new shocking characters to the beloved franchise. Below is a list of 6 new characters that if introduced, would turn the Star Wars Universe upside down!
KAFEW – Chewbacca’s husband.
I know what you’re thinking, “Chewie can’t be gay!” No one is saying that Chewie is. I’m saying he is a she. “WHAT?!?!” I know, pretty shocking. The message here is gender equality. We all assume Chewbacca is a male because he’s got a strong build and never turns back from a fight. Who else does that sound like? Say it on three. 1… 2… Hillary Clinton (sorry, I got too excited and couldn’t wait for 3).
BOOBED – Cousin of Hooter, the blue creature that traveled with Captain EO.
This would connect George Lucas’s other space adventure, Captain EO, into the Star Wars Universe. Doing this would show that THE FORCE isn’t the only magical power throughout the galaxies… so is crotch grabbing and pop music.
LANDO CALRISSIAN J.R. – (J.R. stand’s for Joint-Robotics).
In a universe where someone’s father can be more machine than man, it was inevitable for someone to fall in love with a protocol droid; and perhaps ironic that that someone was pussy-hound Lando himself. Years of research and repetitive insemination created the galaxy’s first human-robotic crossbreed.
MILEY CYRUS – Kingpin of the Hutt Cartel
After Jabba’s death, there was a 20 year gang war for his turf. The Hutts had dispersed throughout the galaxy, and no one was set to take Jabba’s throne. Only one person could unite the family and lead them to victory… Golden Globe nominated, music sensation Miley Cyrus.
SUPER GRAND EMPEROR DARTH PALPATINE – A cross-clone created on the ocean exoplanet of Kamino.
Created from remnants of Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader (with Rancor DNA to fill in any missing elements). This creature has all the evil of the Emperor and Darth Vader combined! But all S.G.E.D.P. wants is to find love. The most dangerous thing in all the universe is love. What wouldn’t one do for it? Kinda makes ya think, doesn’t it?
POLICE DROID WS1 – A droid used in almost every saloon across the galaxy.
A peace-keeping droid, it is used to figure out who shot first in any bar-fight situation.