A truly majestic beast.
Pets are supposed to love you. If you’re looking for an animal that will love you, your options are:
1.) Dogs.
2.) See #1.
Not all “dogs” are really dogs. Let’s be honest–if your dog is smaller than a terrier, it’s a cat. If your dog fits in your purse, it’s not even a cat–it’s a cell phone warmer that barks. The size rule does not work in reverse. An extraordinarily large cat is not a dog. He is just an obese cat. In fact, that makes him more of a cat.
Anyone who has a pet other than man’s best friend (dog) or man’s indifferent acquaintance (cat) has terrible taste and is not to be trusted.
1.) A pet bird? They bite, they crap all over, they squawk continuously & they actively dislike you. If you like those things, invite me over.
2.) Oh, you have a tarantula? Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll lose your virginity once you’ve completed your mandatory community service.
3.) A snake? They’re great if you want to watch an animal literally rot in front of you then slither out from it’s dead husk. If you manage to keep your lunch down then congratulations–you have bonded with the biblical symbol of evil. “But I don’t believe in the Bible!” you scream in between Reddit posts. Fine. YOU get to hang out with one of the two animals that humans have evolved to instinctually fear.
(the other obviously being Sharknados)
4.) Fish are great pets if you want a TV you have to feed.
5.) Hamsters are fun if you like rodents with razor sharp teeth that bite indiscriminately and smell like old cheese on a humid day. Guinea pigs are hamsters’ ugly, fatter, baby-eating cousins. Stretch them out and bury them in a pile of dirty sports bras, and you have God’s grossest smelling joke, the ferret. Seriously, ferrets look like the offspring of a snake and a sewer rat going through a particularly rough puberty.
6.) Rabbits are great if you want every possession in your life destroyed, but want to think about Easter while it happens.
7.) Far from the ass-kicking mutant ninjas portrayed in the media, turtles live their lives in a slow, leaf-eating stupor, bordering on dead. Plus, the amount of salmonella on a turtle make them like having raw chicken breasts for a pet.
“We cause diarrhea, cramping, nausea and blood in the stool, dude!”
8.) Lizards can be enjoyable companions if you appreciate the cold, murderous stare of a literal monster in your room while you sleep. If a serial killer recently broke your heart, this is the pet for you.
In summation, your pet is probably terrible. If what I say offends you, you should probably show me your moral superiority by donating to the Humane Society.
The End.
Get at me on twitter @mikedoesthings.
