It’s always sad when people pass away. At least that’s what people who don’t suppress their emotions into sarcastic internet blogs tell me. As someone who routinely struggles to find the right thing to say, I live in constant fear of being asked to eulogize someone. It actually happened once–I was literally asked to “tell some jokes” at the funeral of a man who suddenly passed away. I know what you’re thinking. Who WOULDN’T jump at the chance to make with the funny in front of a group of tearful mourners, but I awkwardly declined. It was like that menage a trois episode of Seinfeld. Just too much pressure.
But all of that got me thinking about the worst eulogies. Here’s what I came up with.
“Can we REALLY call it a ‘senseless’ killing? I mean, it totally makes sense. He suuuucked.”
“What I’ll miss most about Bill is how he used to scream, ‘stop stabbing me, stop stabbing me!’ Classic Bill.”
“They say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I guess that grizzly bear proved it.”
“…You know what else is dead? This party.”
“She’s even more beautiful than the day we met.”
“He died doing what he loved: being born.”
“Okay, I can see where everyone is upset, but you have to admit, my ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ bit was money.”
“As Jim’s wife of 20 years, I can tell you that he died the way he lived: prematurely.” #CrapEulogy
— ”Mike” (@mikedoesthings) August 20, 2014
[To the widow] So you got plans later? #CrapEulogy
— Paul Oh (@paultoh1) August 20, 2014
“I’m just here for the taco bar” #CrapEulogy
— ”Mike” (@mikedoesthings) August 21, 2014
— Nomi Knowme (@NomiRadio) August 21, 2014