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Today we’re talking about: Full Abe Lincoln’s Hair, Life on Venus, Google Knows if You Had Corona – Sparks Radio Ep 248
Stories:
Lock of Abe
- I guess there’s a lock of abe lincoln’s hair was sold at auction of $81,000
- It’s kind of a crazy story because, it involves Mary Todd,
- Yeah history joke!
- It was sent to mary todd’s cousin who was a kentucky postmaster in washington
- The lock of hair was cut from Abe Lincoln’s left temple, which i think they mean, the only temple that was left
- Having nothing to put the lock of hair in, he wrapped it in the letter he received saying that Lincoln was shot
- So now the letter is stained with blood and brain matter
- Someone now has Honest abe’s hair and blood samples
- There’s only 3 reasons why a person would buy this
- 1 they’re a history buff, 2 voodoo, or 3 they want to frame someone for murder
- The DNA found all over the vehicle is an exact match.
- Abe Lincoln murdered Tupac
- Abe Lincoln and the person who bought this have one thing in common
- They’ve both lost their minds!
- $81,000 dollars is a lot of money for a lock of hair, but you should see how people are paying for Marry Todd’s only fans
- I would never pay money for a lock of hair
- It’s weird
- Dearest Margret, I long for you so while I’m away. Enclosed, I cut it off of a piece of my head and mailed it to you
- A lot of people are saying “so what, it doesn’t matter”
- yeah, it brain matter
- The hair is stained with his brain matter
- I know we love reviews, but I don’t need to see what Lincoln thought of the play
- Maybe I’m being too harsh
- We’re living in divisive times right now and Abe lincoln was one of the original people saying Black Lives Matter
- we can use a bit of luck right now
- Whoever bought this should rub it like a rabbit foot
- It might work, they’re both hairs
Life on venus
- We all know Venus is hot
- The Roman goddess with that caboose!
- More like Venass, ammiright?!?!?
- Oh wait, it’s 2020…have to get ready for the letters
- Dear Sparks, i didn’t like how you objectified a fake deity. Eventhough she was the goddess of sex and desire, she wasn’t there to be gawked at. Sure she was always painted nude and there’s a statue of her staring at her own ass called Venus Callipyge which literally means beautifully shaped buttocks, but she wasn’t created to just be lusted after. Okay maybe she was. Jokes hurt and she’s fake crying right now
- Alas, I’m not here to fake argue with fake people who will never write to me to prove a meaningless point
- I’m talking about the planet
- Scientist are saying that the hottest planet in our solar system may have life on it
- They’re saying they’ve detected phosphine gas 30 miles up in the air and that they can’t explain why, other than organisms are the ones giving it off
- I guess Phosphine is the gas that organisms give off around oxygen deprived thermal vents in the ocean
- They say that Venus had a temperate climate for 2 billion year and then global warming went out of control and superheated the planet
- Now it’s 840 degrees and rains sulfuric acid
- Which sounds bad, until you find out that they were only paying $2 dollars a gallon
- See, global warming isn’t that bad
- Sure, our entire species, except Elon Musk, will die
- But, like Venus, organisms will continue to live in the clouds
- The same place where Elon uploaded his brain
- Of course there are sceptics in the science community saying that this isn’t a sign of life
- And there’s probably another reason for the gas
- And to them I say, FUCK YOU SCIENCE
- I WOKE UP TODAY NOT KNOWING I’D BE EXCITED ABOUT ALIEN FARTS
- YOU GOT MY HOPES UP
- AND NOW LIKE VENUS ET, YOU’RE SHITTING ALL OVER IT
- I read the headline thinking this was awesome and then 2 paragraphs later you’re telling me it’s not?
- 2020 has been awful, can’t you just give us like a day? To be excited about something?
- you venus rained on our parade, which means you melted us with acid and burned everyone alive
Google knows you had corona
- According to Massachusetts General Hospital , google knows when you had coronavirus
- Remember in episode 238, when I talked about how covid shows up in your poop days before you start showing symptoms
- Well now, i guess people google some GI problems they’ve been having, before they know it’s covid and then 4 weeks later they test positive for covid
- It was when people looked up symptoms like loss of taste, smell, intestinal issues
- People Googled that shit, and then Google googled their shit
- The hospital saw this time and time again, when the spikes in major cities was taking place
- This is kind of terrifying because if google is tracking who lost their sense of taste
- Then everyone who liked movie Cats, should get tested.
- I don’t like the idea of google predicting everything
- I would make a joke here, but google already beat me to it.
- Google has been wrong in the past though
- It keeps saying that my name, Sparks, is the same as a WNBA team, which is wrong
- Women can’t play basketball
- Dear Sparks, I know that joke has nothing to do with women’s ability to play sports, we all know that they’re more athletic than you. I understand the nuance of humor and that you yourself came off looking like an idiot. Sincerely, sensible made up internet comment.
- Google, stop tracking if I have covid and start predicting if I’m going to get it
- You should be tracking my other google searches and then alert me if something pops up
- Do I have to wear a mask in a restaurant? And search
- How long should I wash my hands for?
- Directions to Sturgis? ALERT ALERT ALERT
- This isn’t that hard – I can tell you who has covid even without google
- Here are the people who have it or are getting it
- If you use bing
- If you’ve ever drank mountain dew for breakfast
- If you still use a yahoo email account?
- You have a flag on the back of you truck
- The guy who didn’t wipe down the treadmill you’re on
- People who burned their lebron jerseys
- The people who correct your opinions on instagram
- The owners of hobby lobby
- And Kid Rock
- Here are the people who have it or are getting it
Wrap up
