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Today we’re talking about: – Buying a Penis, Walmart Plus Money, Jet Pack Guy – Sparks Radio Podcast Ep 239
Stories:
Buying a penis
- A lady from a city near and dear to my heart, Akron, ohio bought what she thought was smoked turkey tail
- When she opened the package – she found what she assumed was a penis
- This isn’t turkey?!?
- Must be a dick!
- She posted it on facebook and said “It’s got the folds,” “Upon further investigation, there’s a hole at the tip.” “Someone is missing their stuff”
- So she’s insinuating that someone loses his man gland, smoked it, packaged it, and then kept working?
- They didn’t stop the assembly line?
- Who’s the real dick in that situation?
- There’s no way that happened.
- Plus I saw the picture. It’s horrifying.
- If that’s a penis, it looked like someone tried melting it
- Does the grocery store only sell dicks of burn victims?
- The store’s called Freddy Krogers
- I’ll admit, I’ve seen some weird dicks in my life
- I used to work out at the Y
- Actually, at the YMCA in Painesville, Ohio growing up, they used to have a pool table in the locker room, so all these old men would go in there and and play billiards totally naked
- Their balls resting on the edge of the table when they’d line up for a shot
- Even seeing all those old war torn dicks, I still don’t know what kind of penies this lady is looking at
- She ended up calling the cops where they immediately identified as belonging to a brown male…then arrested it.
- POLITICAL JOKE!
- No, but they submitted it to the coroner’s office for testing
- Where, you know, actual doctors said that it was actually pork tail
- So the story of a severed man’s penis ending up in the package of a grocery store was nothing but a tall tale
Walmart plus
- Walmart announced today that it’s got a new delivery service subscription
- It’s called Walmart +
- Which sounds like the beginning of a sad math problem
- Walmart + customers = gingivitis
- If you’ve ever wanted to know what people look like at the their worst, just go into Walmart
- Everyone in walmart looks like they’ve been in quarantine since the mid 90’s
- Walmart It’s the minor leagues for carnies
- That’s their AAA
- Walmart is the ant farm version of a trailer park
- You can look at them, see how they dress and act
- (shout out to the trailer park listeners of the show, i love you, but you know it’s true)
- Walmart + wants to charge you $98 a year to take the Walmart…out of walmart
- Where you no longer have to in the store, they’ll just ship it to you
- Is there anyone excited to go to that store?
- Not even the owners, the Walton family, are excited to go into that place
- They make $70,000 dollars a minute. Or 4 million dollars a day
- They’re not looking to roll back prices. They’re looking to roll back their tax rate
- I don’t care about Walmart or Walmart + and I think a lot of people will use this
- I know a lot of people rely on them for their shopping, But subscribing to Walmart sounds awful
- Paying to get into so you can buy more stuff once you’re inside isn’t a store – it’s a nightclub
- You don’t have bouncers, you have greaters with osteoporosis
Guy in a jet pack
- Some guy was spotted flying a jet pack near LAX
- 2 different flight crews reported seeing him as they came in for a landing
- They said he was 3000 feet up and about 300 yards away
- Are jet packs cool?
- I used to think they were awesome when I was a kid
- But as an adult, anyone that delays my flight is a piece of shit
- It could be the coolest person on the planet – Tom Hanks. If he’s the reason my planes late, I wish him dead
- Guys guys, I’m sorry I held up the plane. I just got over covid and I was giving a speech to children with cancer
- FUCK YOU TOM HANKS
- Guys guys! I Know the plane’s a little hot and there’s thunderstorms but we’ll make it alright.
- I HOPE THIS PLANE CRASHES AND BURNS WITH ALL OF US ON IT JUST SO WE’LL SEE THE BURDEN OF REGRET IN YOUR EYES FOR MAKING US WAIT RATHER THAN JUST CATCHING THE NEXT FLIGHT!
- You’ve read about these people on flights who refuse to wear a mask delaying everyone
- We should make a law that states that they be falcon punched in the throat, then a bag over their head like they’re being taken to meet an arms dealer.
- Then just dolly them off the plane like hannibal
- Where was I, Oh yeah the FBI is investigating
- I’m sure it’ll be easy to find out who bought a $250k Jet pack recently
- That’s a hobby you pick up when you really need to get away from the family
- Sports car – 2 seater – you and your wife, get away from the kids, joy ride, i get it
- Motorcycle – 1 seater – just you and the road – clear your head – i get that too
- A jet pack – you want to die by being sucked into a planes engine like a goose
