Fink, NE – Local resident Gene Cain is perplexed. For weeks now his social media musings and ramblings have been going unnoticed. “I just don’t get it”, the 31 year data-entry specialist said from his studio apartment located in downtown Fink, “I mean, I’ve been posting lately, and no one has commented or liked anything I’ve said. I put some really good stuff up over the past few weeks, but nothing.”
No likes or comments have been registered on Mr. Cain’s statuses dating back to August 17th. Mr. Cain revealed that this was the day that a marginal annoyance at work put him in a bad mood. “The vending machine took my money, and then the coffee cart lady ran out of low-fat, no sugar sweetener.” This event seems to have thrown Mr. Cain’s world off axis and has translated over to a lack of love, as it were, on social media.
“A drought of activity like this hasn’t been seen since Dover resident Angel McGee decided she wasn’t going to share photos of her latest coffee purchase,” Facebook spokesman Fred Hart stated at a press conference Thursday morning. “We will make sure to get to the bottom of this and hopefully remedy this horrible situation that no one should ever have to go through,” he later added.
Speaking to friends they quickly added some insight into the situation. “Dude’s a downer,” former roommate of Mr. Cain, Gary Tate quipped. “I mean for real, we live in America. He’s posting this stuff on his lunch break, at his job, on his smartphone. Pretty sure there are people getting murdered for wearing the wrong clothes in other countries,” Beverly Park, co-worker and reluctant Facebook friend of Mr. Cain added. When asked if they had chosen to block Mr. Cain’s posts, Mr. Tate said “look Gene was a great guy in college, but I don’t know, social media has given him attention and it isn’t for the best. Yes I blocked him.”
After this startling revelation, we caught up with Mr. Cain’s brother, Gerry; he offered some further details into this shocking situation. “Listen, I love my brother, but the guy is a big time whiner. People don’t have time to deal with that in their lives, even their online lives.” When point blank asked if he had hidden his brother’s posts from his newsfeed, Gerry was more elusive, “I won’t comment on my own personal tastes when it comes to my newsfeed.”
“Of course he blocked them. We all have. Have you seen his posts? Constantly bitching about his so called ‘sad’ life, and every time only offering just enough details to get you hooked into asking what’s wrong,” Gerry’s wife Carla revealed. “Worst part is though; he can still find a way to put that into your life. He comments constantly on our posts, again always trying to steal focus,” Mrs. Cain added. “We went to Bermuda and he couldn’t just be happy for us.”
When questioned about this apparent status hijacking, Gene deflected, “isn’t that what social media is for? Letting people know what is going on in your life. I’ve never been a status hijacker, and am insulted by such allegations.” Dr. Barrington Watson, a University of Schenectady psychology professor, was called in to asses Mr. Cain’s situation, but was turned away because Gene is, in his own words “pretty confident of my self-diagnosis of depression.”
Mr. Cain plans to continue plugging away in hopes of a drastic turnaround, which may never come. As we packed up from the interview to leave, he offered these words, “hey, if things continue on this path, maybe I’ll look into that Twitter thing everyone is talking about. Hey, before you leave, could you accept this Farm Heroes Saga invite? I’ve been stuck on level 12 forever.”