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What up! Welcome to the show! If it’s your first time here, this is a show I do every single day where I take 3 stories that jumped out at me and break them down with you and for you!
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Today we’re talking about: Female Dictator, Mexican Coke Problem, KFC is changing
Stories:
Kim Jong Un Coma
- Kim Jong Un is in a coma
- More like Kim Jong Un-conscious, amiiright?!?!
- Some spies are saying that the dictator has been in a coma for months now
- AND WE’VE KNOWN THIS – BECAUSE TMZ REPORTED IT MONTHS AGO
- I Hate them, but they always have the drop on dudes being in comas
- First Lamar Odom, now Dennis Rodman’s man
- Now that’s constantly dreaming of shirtless horseback rides. His sister, Kim Yo Jung, or if you’ll allow me to be the first to call her – Kimmy – has been tapped to take over
- Kim Jong Un is a piece of shit, but even he knows it’s 2020 and the glass ceiling for powerful women has been shattered!
- #WokeDictator
- Actually he’s asleep still
- #AsleepbutwokeDictator
- Because
- Yes, NORTH “OUR PEOPLE HAVE WORMS” Korea is going to have a female leader before the USA will
- That’s how insane this notion that “women can’t lead and shouldn’t be president” that people believe in this country – NORTH “OUR LEADER DOESN’T POOP” Korea is more progressive than you.
- Now onto the facts. Is she crazy? Yes, of course.
- She’s going to have to show everyone that she’s in power and doesn’t take shit from anyone.
- But let’s focus on the positives here, there another woman that has been elevated to the highest power in the land
- She’s proof that no matter how bad her, mass murdering, human labor camp running, oppressing dictator brother was, being a woman no be no different.
- And Kim Yo Jung – or let’s start it now – Kimmy – being just as big of a piece of shit is equality. And that’s feminism. And I believe in it!
Mexican Soda
- The Mexican Health Undersecretary Hugo Lopez-Gatell is blaming the fact the Mexico drinks a lot of soda as the reason they’re dying from covid
- Yes Mexico drinks an unduly amount of the brown bubbly
- And How can we blame them?
- Everyone knows the mexican coke is better than normal coke
- Or as it’s known in spanish – coke
- He goes on to say that all this pop drinking is leading to people getting fat
- Then when they get covid, their dying because they’re unhealthy
- In some of the more remote regions of Mexico, they don’t have running water. And Coke is cheaper than water in most places
- How about getting your shit water, right before you tell people not to drink something that makes them shit like they had midwestern mexican food
- Mexican coke is known for being delicious while mexican water is know to make your ass run for the first time since your high school mile
- That’s why they’re called Aztecs – because you need a tech to work on your ass
- That’s what’s wrong with this guy, he’s dehydrated
- And may I suggests a cool, crisp, refreshing coca cola to bring you back to feeling like your normal self
- I’m sorry I’m in the pocket of big soda
- I wonder who kills more people in Mexico, the cartels or sugar?
- I’m willing to bet sugar, but that makes sense, everyone likes soda…it’s just really sweet
- Plus, have you had mexican food? Of course everyone is fat there
- It’s the best food on earth!
- Everything has cheese on it!
- Even their corn has cheese
- Mexico, please don’t do anything too drastic to cut down weight like put in mandatory dieting
- The only keto diet Mexico should have is the te-quito diet.
KFC is dropping
- KFC is dropping their “finger licking good” catch phrase because, right now is not the best time to be licking fingers
- They said the slogan “doesn’t feel quite right” so they’re putting it on pause for now
- This is the right call simply because it’s fucking distusgting.
- On time I had to pee when I was at the grocery store and this guy came out of the stall from pooping and then walked out.
- Which is disgusting. But then when I left, I saw ol’ brown nails fingering up the produce.
- Holding peaches up to his face, smelling it and putting it back.
- Wash your hands and wash your produce
- I get it, it’s a 60 year old slogan and we shouldn’t have to change everything just because people are sensitive.
- But just because you’ve done something a long time, doesn’t mean you should
- My friend Gary had a tradition where he put a bottle rocket in his ass every 4th of July.
- He did this for years. It was a bad idea every single year and that’s why he’s a moron
- He’s dead now, so he won’t mind me saying that.
- KFC is now just blurring out the “Finger licking” part of the slogan. Which makes it seem even dirtier.
- Their signs and buckets look like it had nudity on them and their censoring them for tv
- Every time there’s a KFC commercial on TV now it’s their blurring out nudity. Which is on point because their used to dealing with breasts and thighs
