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- Americans face more problems than the Kardashians have had problems with their face
- Pandemic out of control
- Climate change
- Systemic racism
- An Economy in purgatory
- It’s starting to feel like we’re in Season 41 of Survivor
- I’m sorry lady liberty, you’ve been voted off your own island
- There’s only one reason we have all these problems in America.
- I know what you’re thinking…
- It’s those little stickers on the fruit isn’t it?
- It’s like Russia told the Chiquita banana lady to make our lives miserable one melon at a time
- But it’s science
- Science is the reason for America’s problems
- America treats science like jocks treat nerds in an 80’s movie
- Hey Walter, did you finish writing my biology paper? Also, start making something called an iPhone so I can tell my echo chamber of racist’s incell friends how dumb science is
- The only time people like science in this country is when it benefits them
- You guys want to come over to my healing crystal party and we’ll cleanse our energy and have some wine? Science says it’s good for your heart
- Even when science says something good – America’s collective brain trust can’t trust it
- The vaccine works! I don’t want it!
- So you have scientists trying their damnedest to collectively solve America’s biggest problems
- And everyone else saying “what do they know, they’re just experts”
- That’d be like me telling a welder it’d be better if he used garlic knots and a breadstick
- That’s how they make a roll cage
- See it’s not scientists fault because they science
- It’s their fault because they tell us – and they shouldn’t
- Look at the USB, one day that thing showed up and everyone went along with it
- Before that a flash drive was something that would get you arrested by highway patrol
- If scientists told us about USB before they just dinner rolled it out
- People would’ve been lighting their lightning cables on fire
- Don’t believe me, look what happened to the 5g towers when they announced those
- That’s why they try to make cell towers look like trees now,
- They’re not trying to make them look nicer – it’s idiot camouflage
- So how do we solve this.
- Science can explain how to fix these problems, but can’t tell us because Americans hate hearing about it…
- And it seems like it’s the 1 problem science doesn’t give a shit about
- How do we fix this?
- I’ve got it.
- Willie Nelson!
- We get Willie to give America science news!
- Everyone loves Willie Nelson!
- Rappers like Snoop Love him
- Country people love him even though he not racist
- America needs its medicine and the only person that can make it taste better is a country western, weed smoking, folk singing, elderly man with pigtails.
- So the next time he says it’s chilly, throw a lab coat on him and tell him it’s time to sing “On the Electrode Again”
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