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Today we’re talking about: – Super Sperm, Italian El Chapo, Electric Car Lie – Sparks Radio Ep 249
Stories:
Super sperm
- Scientists have found a way to make livestock esstially tubes for breeding
- It’s kind of confusing so stick with me
- What they do is cut off the male fertility gene in the embryos
- Then when the sterile animal is grows up, they inject some sperm producing cells into them and boom, they’re now making the sprem of the donor animal
- It’s like that bull, starbuck, who fathered 200,000 daughters and 209 sons
- You take his super sperm cells and inject it into some rag tag sorry excuse people call bulls, for example, the 2001 season of the bulls
- And then, bam, he’s popping out the exact same super sperm that starbuck had
- Starbuck, would be seemen-ting the future
- This would be like if Michael Sara’s kids looking like Lou Farigno
- I do think it’s only a matter of time till humans start doing this.
- What do women want?
- They want a tall, kind, funny, passionate, rich, ripped, guy with nice hair and perfect sperm.
- Does he exist?
- Yes, but I’m married.
- So, what’s the solution for everyone else?
- Everyone needs my sperm cells
- Inject it before the baby making commences and congratulations, the world will be filled with future me’s.
- I see this as a solution to all of the world’s problems
- Let me address some questions you’re having
- Will your child have my tiny feminie wrists?
- yes
- Will they have thinning hair?
- yes , but the few strands they have left will be golden like midwestern straw
- Will they finish puberty at the age of 26 and then their bodies immediately start deteriorating?
- yes , but there’s like 2 weeks in there, where they’ll reach their prime and my god will it be a sight to see
- Will your child have my tiny feminie wrists?
- Trust me, women all over the world have told me they want my sperm instead of their husbands.
- I would show you the billions of messages I get constantly, but do to confidentiality, I don’t think it’d be gentlemanly of me to show you
- I’m here to create life, not destroy it
- All I’m saying is that I’m willing to be the ghangis khan of this generation.
- Or the wilt chamberlain of the 70’s
- It’s not creepy either.
- You’re the one still having sex with your wife, it’s just my sperm will live through you.
- Like when mufasa live through cimba in the clouds
- I’ll live in your wife through your dick
- Speaking of your wife, where was I…oh yeah, cows
- Scientist say that this will help food production and demand for resources
- Look I know that this is a weird way to feed the masses
- But until either your burger cravings go down and test tube meat goes up
- I don’t think there’s a more spermanent solution
Italian Escape
- Story number 2 and we’re off to italy!
- Ahh yes the wine, the romance, and the harbouring of fugitives
- Giuseppe Mastini – or as people call him – Johnny the Gypsy escaped from prison and was found hiding on someones remote property
- If you’re like, why are we talking about this?
- First, I’d like to say, Mi scusi!
- I forgot to mention that this is the 7th time John the con has escaped from prison
- He gave him the ol’ Gypse slipse
- This guy is the Italian el Chapo or as they called him in Italian El Chapo
- 7times!
- Are italian prison bars made from dried pasta
- It’s a lunch break and a prison break
- Escaping from prison for the 7th time sounds like david blaine’s next special
- This dude isn’t a good guy either
- The first time he escaped he went missing for 2 years where he killed someone, kidnapped a girl, and robbed a bunch of places
- Are italian prisons made out of pergolas?
- Seriously, how bad can Italian prisons be anyway?
- Playing tetherball with fetacuinni and a meatball
- You know what the Italian word for prison food is? Olive garden
- Our prisoners make licence plates, they make breadsticks
- That why they’re never ending
- Italian prisoners are the only ones asking for women to send nudes
- As in noodles. send noodles
- Police tracked him down and found him hiding in a sheep pen
- Weird because I thought he was on the lamb
- Probably just wanted to be herd
- He was Roman around
- Can you go to prison for bad jokes?
Electric Car Lie
- Let me start by saying that I’m a Tesla shareholder, and when I talk about this story about Nikola, a tesla competitor, I will not gain any joy from it
- I honestly want an affordable electric car to hit the masses and I think competition will bring it to the market the fastest
- Nikola, you shit company
- What are you doing?
- I know your cars don’t run on gas, but do they even run?
- It’s coming out now that Nikola put out a promotional video in 2018 and said “Behold the 1,000 HP zero-emission Nikola One semi-truck in motion”
- Yeah, it was in motion, because you pushed itl
- Nikola just admitted that the vehicle didn’t work at the time and like shit, it rolled it down hill
- Plus who starts anything with “BEHOLD!”
- Who do you have running your social media? A magician?
- Now the company might be in trouble with the SEC for basically lying to shareholders and potential shareholders
- Elon Musk got Tesla in trouble also trying to beat the short sellers by lying to the public
- BEHOLD! SEC fines
- I hate when companies lie to people
- Like red bull
- didn’t give my friend Katy wings
- It gave her a concussion
- When she tried jumping into the pool, off the roof
- Vodka, it gives you ideas
- Nutella is another one.
- They got sued for running ads saying that spreading chocolate on bread is an ideal breakfast for kids
- Here honey, don’t forget your lunch. I packed you diabetes.
- I think we’re all sick of the lying we see on a day to day basis
- I wrote down some honest taglines for some companies that I use! to cut through the bullshit
- Nike – just make it ( child yelling i’m sorry)
- m&m’s – melts in your mouth, clogs in your glands
- Dunkin Donuts – America can’t physically run on Dunkin
- MasterCard – Some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s a crippling amount of debt
- Maybelline – Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe its body issues
That’s it for the show! Let me know some other honest company slogans in the comments and hit me up on instagram @ Sparks Radio!
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