Server: “Would you like to try our pumpkin spice latte?”
Me: “Fuck yes!!!!!!”
To all the pumpkin flavor-haters out there I say this from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself for days. Go fuck yourself so hard you get blisters and callouses. Go fuck yourself so intensely that you reproduce a secondary self, then go fuck that ungodly creature back to hell where it belongs.
October is for Halloween and adding pumpkin spice to everything and anything we hold dear. To all the people that disagree with that, then there is another thing October is for, fucking yourself!
In the immortal words of America’s reigning feminist queen, “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate.” If you’re the kind of person who can’t enjoy a little spice and pumpkin added to your latte (or beer, or cookies, or waffles) then you don’t deserve love. You just need to be fucked…by yourself. So go fuck yourself.
Quick! Name everything that’s better when you add a lil’ pumpkin to it, GO!
- Coffee
- Beer
- M&Ms
- Oreos
- Yogurt
- Vodka
- Cupcakes
- Granola Bars
- Pringles
- Pop Tarts
- Lasagna Noodles
- Marshmallows
- Bagels
- Tea
- Body Lotion
- Dog Treats
- SoyMilk
- AirFresheners
- Kale Chips
- Candy Corn
- Potato Chips
- Ice-Cream
- Hershey Kisses
- Waffles
- Cookies
- Coffee Mate
- Scones
- Cereal
- Oatmeal
- Chocolate chips
- Cream Cheese
- English Muffins
- Pie
- Kahlua
- Macarons
- Almonds
- Twinkies
- Popcorn
- Peeps
- Gum
- Hummus
- Jello
- Chicken Sausage
I know what you’re thinking, I should have just typed EVERYTHING! Everything’s better with some pumpkin and some spice. I bet next year Monsanto will figure out how to add pumpkin spice to motherfuckin’ pumpkin and spice! You know why? ‘Cause at Monsanto, those guys aren’t standing around fucking themselves. (They’re too busy fucking all of us – boom – socially responsible political joke!)
So, just to recap. When October rolls around you’re doing one of two things. Either enjoying an amazing meal based on the delicious tastes of pumpkin and some spice, or you’re going into a corner in a cabin in some forest in Montana, and fucking yourself!
Mic drop.